One Year Later.

A deep imprint marks where a house once stood. A home. One that held the memories of over 30 thanksgivings and christmases. 

Boys that grew to be men. It is strange isn’t it, that the echo of the laughter of grandchildren doesn’t ring through the open space the way it did off those well loved walls. 

In many ways, healing is like that. There is a space where before something filled it, and now… it is still there, but altered so that it is completely different. 

I tend toward melancholy, so I realize many of my allusions to the past year are not the most joyful or victorious on the surface. But they are. Oh they are. Every day we get out of bed and move our feet is victorious. Every hour we don’t give in to the overwhelming hopelessness that tries so hard to envelope us is victory. Every day that we CHOOSE to see the joy and  purpose in our lives instead of the barren space of loss that has hollowed out our souls and hearts is an opportunity for victory and for JOY to win over DEATH. 

More than a home was lost that day. That was the beginning of what feels like the unraveling of our family. Choices were made. Relationships were altered. Words were hurled and landed in as damaging a pattern as the fire that day. But, much like that burn scar that once was a home, there is healing. Our family has been altered. But it is still there, trying to come back together. It will never be the same. And truthfully, I wouldn’t want it to be that way. I’m praying for it to be BETTER. Stronger. Deeper. Lovely. 

One year. 

The pieces are still coming together. There is no assurance as to what is next. But we wake up. We move our feet. We smile. We cry. We remember. We forget. 

Another year will pass, Lord willing. Or not. If it does, it too will hold heartache and joy, laughter and tears. And in time, the sharp sting of loss will dull. But that space will still be there. Different. But remaining. 

And that is where we find ourselves. REMAINING. 

“remain in Me, and I will remain in you” - Jesus. 

The Updated Version: Nine Months (written in June)

My life seems to be barreling forward at ridiculous speeds lately. I've got an almost 20 year old charging the way, and a birthday last month that wrenched me out of the comfortable "mid thirties" range. Life has settled into the predictable hum of summer, air conditioner struggling to keep up with the demand the 100+ heat is placing on it. Ice clinks in mason jars filled with water and alternately shakes and iced coffee. Fascinating the way that life continues when you think it should stop. But that is the beauty of it. Flowers will blossom even if your heart feels dead. The sun will continue its daily rising, and its spectacular setting. The breezes will blow and the season will change. The heat of last summer has marked us eternally, for it was in summers last heralded farewell that it crisped the majestic trees of autumn, rendering them forever dry and blackened. The hillsides still bear the scars of mothers natures fury, though here and there little green shoots continue to breed new life on the charred landscape. And the crater that we once called home is fast becoming one with earth again, weeds and growth strangling out the last images of what once housed a family, the remnants of memories now. Nine months have passed since the firestorm that darkened our lives, illuminating those parts where fear could paralyze, the desire to hold to material things obliterated in the aftermath of the monster. Nine months grows and births a child. In our case, nine months is growing a healing and knowing, an intimacy with our God on a level we hadn't realized possible. The generous provisions of our friends and family still remind us on a daily basis that He is our Provider. The monthly calls from insurance serve as reminders that the process is still in progress. The echoes of fear still resonate somewhat, particularly now that the heat is blazing and the sound of helicopters and sirens putting out the seasonal California wildfires reverberate through our bodies, causing our teeth to set on edge and our hearts to pound out a too fast rhythm. Dread clouded eyes scan the horizons for  plumes of smoke, and spirits are reminded to remember God our Protector.
     "I'll walk through the fire, with my head lifted high, and my spirit revived in Your story" -Glorious Ruins by Hillsong.

    In the nine months since the Valley Fire, resiliency and rising are words used to describe our community. And its true. Skeleton homes are being erected daily, their bones rising out of ashes and welcoming new memories to be etched in new walls. People work and live and laugh again. But there are those vacancies too. Lots abandoned, owners unable to rebuild or remain...people that make up this tapestry of humanity gone and pieces missing.
    In our family, I feel fractured. Like a broken leg that was not set properly. We move forward, we walk in gratitude and grace, but at the same time, there are pieces that may not ever quite be put back together. One of our daughters moved out and is living nearby. This was not my vision after the fire. I saw a family knit closer than ever, and while I trust in Gods heart for that in my life, sometimes the reality collision course with my hopes and dreams just leaves a lot of wreckage to sort through.
   When life seems back to normal, bedding and couches, clothing and routine, all seems as though nothing happened, there is a tendency within me to be harsh with the emotional fallout. I've had to remind myself time and again that nine months ago we all experienced a traumatic event that is still unraveling in our spirits and minds. There is such a tension between walking into the future while living in the grace and healing from the past. It is paradoxical and frustrating and exhausting. Still, the hope that we live in, the knowledge that we can go through something traumatic and still live and breathe and love one another is stronger than the pain and smothering heartbreaks we wrestle with.
One of my lessons in this is that to mourn the death of dreams is as holy as seeking the dream. To let go of the perceived promises, the intricate piecing of house and home, family and marriage, self and others...to be able to accept with open hand the reality, and to still have courage to dream again.... that is a hard and holy thing. To let God breathe into your spirit and revive those parts that are afraid to dream because you are afraid to lose...it is truly the embodiment of trust and faith and the goodness that I cling to and could never live without. To trust His plan and that HE is not dependent upon the goodness of people, or the government, or whatever company you've been putting your future in.... His hands are far stronger, far more loving, and it is His hands that can multiply your little and turn it into so much more than you can ask or imagine.
  So, we are ok. We are breathing, and praising, and laughing, and weeping. We are trusting and hoping, and dreaming again. We are inspired and scared, secure and not.... we are all the emotions and all the messiness that comes with living with loss, living with blessing... living this life.
   We need prayer (always). We need space to breathe and come to grips with where we are. We need each other and you. But mostly, we need and know God. We believe that in His Resurrection power is all that we need to be revived when we feel faint, His stripes provide all the healing we could ever need, and His Word sustains us even when we feel like we are in the aftermath of a war.

"Let the ruins come to life, by the power of Your Name, 

  rising up from the ashes, God forever You Reign, 

 And my soul will find refuge, in the shadow of Your wings, 

 I will love You forever, and forever I'll sing" 

  GLORIOUS RUINS 

    Hillsong 

 

Sacrifices and Altars

“I called to the Lord, who is worthy of praise and I have been saved” Psalm 18:3 

  BROKEN THINGS (Sara Reeves) 

Here at the altar of broken things

I've finally throwing down this mirror of me

When I've done all I can do

And there's nothing left to prove

I just need You

I'm totally completely dependent upon You

I'm totally completely dependent upon You

Surrender. It’s a beautiful and often heartbreaking thing. 

Surrender can be a soldier surrendering to an enemy under a white flag. Surrender can be a forced thing, when there is no other option but to give in. Surrender can be a gift. It can be something lovingly laid down, a surrender of will and self. Often, surrender happens on an altar of pain. Isn’t it comforting to know that God specializes in sacrifices and altars. He is faithful to consume the sacrifice of surrender. He is constant and able to take what is surrendered… whether it be a dream, a heartbreak, a marriage, a child… and consume it and make it worth something eternally. No false god has the capacity or ability to do that. No other god will take what you offer and make it into something more. Only the ONE TRUE GOD will do that. Other gods, other idols, are consumers. They will consume and devour until there is nothing left. These gods leave you depleted, empty, aching. Only God with a capital G will take what you offer, consume it with His mighty fire of refinement and glory… and will multiply your sacrifice. He will restore and pour it out until your arms, heart, and soul are full. Not just full, but overflowing. Surrender will look like many things to many people. Perhaps surrender will even mean many different things within your lifetime. There is a beauty in the knowledge that our God sees and receives and KNOWS, intimately, our surrender and sacrifice. He understands it more than most for He has surrendered the Ultimate. His Dream, His Son, our Hope. 

Surrender for me has already been represented by many aspects of my life. It has been as I call out to Him, as the psalmist so eloquently puts it. I acknowledge that I am unable to save myself. I’ve surrendered the broken pieces of my heart and soul on the altar. Throughout my life, I have seen the faithfulness of a God that POURS IN and MULTIPLIES. A God that is honored, not burdened, by our dependence upon Him. A God that creates beauty out of ashes. My God, One that desires a personal relationship with Him. A relationship where He receives what I give, whether it is praise or brokenness, a God that pours out His Spirit into me. Truly, He is amazing. That an altar of pain can become one of unparalleled blessing and beauty. 

Thank you God, for Your faithfulness, for turning my pain into purpose, and for consuming the things I surrender to You, and restoring my soul. You are my everything. 

Peace

  PEACE. 

Of all the words or Scripture I anticipated the Lord giving me, this was not one of them. Yet it was there. Planted deeply into my soul. 

It’s an odd word for me. I don’t feel like my life has ever been described as peaceful. I struggled with it to be honest. A LOT. But then the Lord reminded me that PEACEFUL and PEACE have NOTHING to do with our lives or our circumstances. Peace is WHO HE IS. 

PEACE is what is possible when I choose His PRESENCE. 

PEACE is what happens when HIS PRESENCE PERMEATES lives. 

I decided to spend some quiet time recently, just some worship music and some Jesus. However, I realized as I was compiling my playlist that there was very little “peaceful” worship music. Most of my music is motivational, upbeat, stuff. I had an “ah-ha" moment. My soul is yearning for peace. I just didn’t know it. But of course Father God did. And so, in the wee hours of January 1, He plowed and planted the rough fields of my heart and planted the seed of peace deep and true. 

It never takes long for the testing. For the storms to come and batter the young seedlings struggling to survive. But the awesome thing about what God plants is that it survives no matter what. 

He waters it and tends it. He provides enough light and when He deems ready…. it bursts through beautifully and His promise over you inundates and overtakes and becomes an integral part of who you are in Him. 

So peace. It’s not what I anticipated. But it is what God desires for my life for this year. So I will trust in His wisdom. I will welcome and be intentional about pursuing His promises of peace over me. 

I’ve already felt His Peace as we are navigating the challenges that a four day young new year brings. And apparently, when you pastor a church that burned down, AND are now a mobile church, AND you’re still recovering from losing your own home, there are some CHALLENGES. 

But for me, there is PEACE. Perfect peace. In the midst of my day, in the midst of my pain and my purpose. In the deepest part of me, HE is my PEACE. 

     

How I Prepare for New Year with God

How To Prepare for a New Year with God 

1. Fortify with coffee. Lots of it. You just finished Christmas and you’re gonna need your strength. So pop in a Kcup (white chocolate macadamia is my all time fave) or brew a pot of Folgers. It doesn’t matter what you do just get hydrated. With coffee. Or tea. Or hot chocolate. 
2. Spend some time in peace and quiet. This may mean you have to barricade yourself in the bathroom with all the water running. Trust me. Do this. It’s worth the higher water bill. Take some deep breaths, inhale deeply, (bonus points if you have some delicious air to breathe… a diffuser with Peace and Calming, or a BBW candle… whatever relaxes you) Exhale fully (you’d be shocked at how few mommas do this.Seriously. DEFLATE your lungs until they scream. It’s awesome and makes you appreciate oxygen) 
3. Get cozy with your bible ( If it’s old school then cool… highlight and underline. If it’s on your iPad or phone, that’s cool… highlight and make notes) Concentrate on a small section of scripture and REALLY meditate on it. And yes. “Jesus wept” counts. Those two words from Scripture are FULL of meaning and depth. I focus on a  small portion and I usually write it down, and then ask the Lord to show me how it applies to my life. You’d be AMAZED at what He will reveal to you! 
4. Make more coffee. Because by now you’ve had multiple notes slipped to you under the bathroom door, you’ve been texted a zillion times, and someone is yelling MOMMMMMM or HONNNNNEEEEYYYY at least 23968939 times. But hopefully you’ve gotten some time with Jesus and learned to actually breathe again. 
5. Get your praise on. Crank some Hillsong, Jesus Culture, or … if you’re inclined…. Gaithers  ( I mean whatever worship music makes you cry or makes you laugh with joy or gets you fired up) Your kids may look at you like you are crazy. This is ok. They need to see PURE worship sometimes. For me, there have been times when I’m laid out on the floor sobbing. Other times I’m doing some sort of awkward warrior dance and others I’m just arms up, abandoned….. THIS IS OK FOR YOUR KIDS TO SEE. Too many worship teams are so polished and perfect we never get to see someone truly worshipping abandoned to God, surrendered. WORSHIP is a battle cry. I can’t tell you how many battles have been won while worshipping. Sometimes just playing the same song on the piano and singing until I felt a break spiritually… it’s awesome. God is going to give you a word. But you may have to battle for it. The enemy will hinder this at any cost. So GET. YOUR. PRAISE. ON. 
6. Pray without ceasing. Pray at the grocery store. Pray in the bathroom. Pray while you’re cleaning. Pray while you’re rocking feverish babies. Pray pray pray. Surrender YOUR plans and expectations, don’t tell God your word and expect Him to bless it. ASK HIM FOR YOUR WORD and then EXPECT HIM TO FULFILL IT. If you are a New Years Eve person then either in the moments before the ball drops, or maybe in the aftermath… whatever works for you, let God know that you love Him. He knows but desires to hear it. Lay your life on the altar spiritually and ask Him to burn off the impurities and to refine you. Truly surrender to Him and ask Him to reveal to you His word and promises over you. Get your bible back out. Seek Him. It might take a long time. It might come immediately. But when you seek God, He is faithful to respond.  
7. Don’t just seek Him once a year. As much as you can, make it a regular habit. I have a sweet momma friend that wakes up WAY early and seeks Him. Another stays up way late to spend time with Him. Mine are all teenagers so it’s easier for me to just shut my bedroom door, but I’m also a HUGE advocate for letting your kids see you worship, pray, and seek the Lord. He knows your heart. And He will speak to you whether you’re locked in a bathroom, laid out on the floor, or juggling babies. 

So. This is my method for seeking God for the New Year. It’s not cookie cutter or the RIGHT way. It’s just my way. Do what works for you. The most important thing is that you are seeking Him. 

Happy New Year! 

New Year's Planning and Prayer

A new year is almost here. The days between Christmas and New Years are very meaningful to me. It’s a season of deep reflection, of prayer, and seeking the Lord for HIs will for the upcoming year. Each year our family gathers with our best friends and we usher in the New Year with prayer. We play games and have lots of fun, but as the clock indicates the ending of one year and the beginning of another, we gather and pray over one another. Another dimension to our family New Year traditions is that we pray for a Word from the Lord that we essentially set as our motto for the year. Sometimes we each have an individual Word, sometimes it is for the family. Sometimes it is one word, and others it’s a scripture or a phrase. One year I received the word BRAVE. That year my oldest daughter went to college. There were many opportunities for the Lord to teach me what it means to be brave. It was the year that the spirit of fear that had dominated my life was broken and I was able to enter more fully in to what God has called me to. It was awesome. Last year, JOY was my personal word. For a few years I’ve battled depression, anger, and negativity. The Lord promised JOY to me for this year and it has been one of the years of greatest sorrow in my life, largely due in part to the fire but also because of family dynamics. There were times that it was hard to see how or why the Lord gave me that word. However, He has shown me gently that HIS JOY can be found in the midst of any circumstance. Joy is found in His Presence. He has graciously shown me opportunity to recognize His Presence and be JOYFUL no matter what is going on around me. It’s been a battle at times, but I will continue to battle so that I can enjoy the fullness of His promise of Joy. Zach received a Word for our family and that was FULFILLMENT. In this year God has revealed that to us in so many ways. In March we were asked to consider coming back to our hometown to pastor the church that our friends the McQueens started. It is the church my husband was baptized in, and one that we served as youth pastors at for four years before moving to Redwood Valley. To return as senior pastors was  huge part of FULFILLMENT. Zach also was licensed as an Assemblies of God minister this year which has been a HUGE fulfillment after serving in full time ministry for over 20 years. Then the fire. And yet even in that God has fulfilled our dreams as He has restored everything, even better than it was before. That doesn’t take the pain out of the experience, but it so perfectly reveals God’s faithfulness that we are amazed. 

   So for the past three days I have been seeking God, asking Him to reveal His Word over us for this upcoming season. Asking Him how we can best honor Him with our ministry, our family, our marriage, finances, and lives. I’m excited for Wednesday when our friends come and we will have Christmas together and then Thursday there will be toffee crisps made, lots of yummy food eaten, but most important, there will be the Presence of God. Brave, Joy, Fulfillment, …… I’m excited to see what He has for me , for us, and for our community in 2016. 

    Several have asked me how I personally do this so I’m going to share that in the next post. 

Christmas Future (Part 3 of the Christmas Conversations Series)

Christmas Future. 

I used to dream and envision what my christmases would look like. 

A cozy family reading the Christmas Story by the fire. 

A warm and inviting Silent Night. 

Awakening to the scents of the Day… the crackle of wrapping paper being torn off, fresh coffee brewing, some scrumptious concoction baking in the oven. 

Cherub children, matching pajamas, gratefully receiving all there is that we’ve been able to give. 

A home, comfortable, and filled with the idealogical comforts that contribute to the idealogical Christmas: plenty of counter space, deep sinks for rinsing all the baking trays. Beds made perfectly for dreaming of sugarplums. 

The reality is not quite that picture though. Over the years it’s been any combination of those. But never quite the whole enchilada. And I’m so grateful for that aspect. 

I recently posted that disappointment and joy are not exclusive to one another, but rather, can be experienced simultaneously. I’ve found contentment to be similar. I still dream of Christmas Future. Of grown up kids coming home, of grandkids, and whatever God chooses to bless us with. But I’ve come to realize that I may dream, but whatever reality the Lord places us in is far better than my dreaming ability. It may not be the exact picture, but is often so much more. 

Christmas Future will be different than this one. Our teenagers all grow and change, and maybe there will be Christmases that they can’t or won’t come home. (That very thought strikes my heart and almost makes me cry even now). There may be new homes, smaller, bigger, older, newer. There may be leaner years, or more abundance. There may be some that are more holy and some that are more loud. 

This Christmas is spent in a new home, with new things, and many gifted things. It’s spent in the aftermath of rebuilding our lives, and the smell of ash, though not as strong, is still there. But the blackened hills are capped with snow, and it gives a majestic look to their barren landscapes. Our disappointments from this year are balanced with blessing, provision, fulfillment, and joy. 

Christmas Past has taught the foundation; the reason for this season. The holiness, the awe, the baby, manger, love and peace on earth. 

Christmas Present has taught the responsibility to love and share the joy of the Hope we have. Of containment and peace despite the churning earth. 

Christmas Future has taught the reality of the unknown. That disappointment will come, but so does joy. That the wildest dreams will never live up to the reality that God will create. The delight of a Father on Christmas, giving His children the greatest gift ever. The baby no longer, but a returning and fierce King. 

Tonight, as the mystery of this holy night settles around us like a blanket, surrounding us with promise

I will reflect on the past, on the present, and will look toward the future with great expectation and joy.