There were twinkling lights illuminating the house with a soft warm glow. The echoes of laughter and carols hung in the air, and the home exuded Presence and Hope.
That was then.
Fragmented bits and pieces now wait to picked through, decided upon, and put together. The tree remains boxed, the lights are dim, and carols have yet to be sung. But then, that is the home now.
Christmas Present is a new experience all around. Never having been huge on Christmas anyway has made it hard to get into the spirit of the season.
Since September 12 we have been in survival mode. Desperately trying to stay positive, keep our eyes on focused on Hope, continue with the business of living and pastoring, parenting and doing marriage, manage the generosity of so many, all while trying to help heal our community, family, and our own hearts. We haven’t actually had a day off. On Zach’s day off from ministry we use our time to piece our lives back together, trying to fill our home and stay on top of bills, insurance inventories, and inhabit our home. We’ve had generous offers of homes and retreats, but have yet to take advantage of any because life is so demanding here and now. We will. Two weeks from now we will have the opportunity to get away for a day or two, and we are looking forward to that. Because survival mode is EXHAUSTING. Survival mode is a constant “treading water” and eventually, your legs tire, your head bobs under the waves, and it becomes too much effort for too long. Survival mode was not meant for sustained periods.
My soul is worn out. Survival mode for me has just gone on too long. I’ve been hesitant to admit that. But it is the real truth. I haven’t been able to consider Christmas because it’s just taken too much energy to wake up every day. The thought of trying to string lights or organize ornaments or to do much more than remember to breathe has been too much. I believe that God is good. I believe that He has a plan and purpose for every pain. I believe that He is going to restore everything that has been lost and not just from fire. I believe that HE is my HOPE. But in survival mode, the tendency to become self focused is great. I realized it at a memorial service ironically. I was reflecting on my life on the way home, because I can only PRAY I leave a legacy as precious as this woman did. And that is when it hit me. I’ve been survival mode for too long. Decisions that should be easy have become monumental, chronic fatigue, tears leaking from my eyes at inopportune times, and basically, soul weariness, are all indicators that survival mode has reached its limit. And I’m sick of it. I’m sick of being tired, of being overwhelmed. I’m tired of being on edge, of remembering and worrying. I’m tired of feeling depleted and sick all because of trying to survive. So I am done with surviving. It’s time to LIVE again.
So Christmas present is different than any other Christmas. Our kids have lost some of the magic of the season. There will be no waiting up for Santa. No more 4 am wake ups or finding them sound asleep under the tree. They are all teenagers now. But there are four things I’m praying for specifically for our family this Christmas.
- That Jesus will be the focus of our praise, presents, and passion.
- That we will choose to love one another well and with the same thought and energy that we put into loving others.
- That Christmas this year will be a holy reminder of what God has delivered us from, a reflection on the Promises He has given, and praise for the purpose that He has called us to.
- For peace. In our minds, in our souls, in our family, and in our relationships.The supernatural Peace that transcends the crowds, the rush, the parties, the glitz, and the pressure. That the Prince of Peace will permeate our lives in a new way this year.
Christmas Present will be a reflection on Christmas Past. Not comparison, just reflection. It will hold the Promise of Christmas Future, because truly, the only HOPE that we have is not found in the Christmas tree hunts, the egg nog (lattes in my case), or the traffic downtown at the mall. It’s found In Jesus. The Prince of Peace, our Deliverer, our Sustainer, our King. My Joy. Emmanuel.
For this Christmas Present, more than in any other that I remember,
He is God with us.
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