The blog post prior to this one is called "Even If". That theme in my life is so prevalent that I have it scrawled on my kitchen chalkboard so that every single time I'm at the sink, getting my coffee, or cooking, I have to see it. Yesterday I failed that "EVEN IF" test though. I'd just gotten back from my intense workout, was eating some Daves Killer Bread Thin Sliced with coconut spread on it, sipping my coffee, when I felt like a seed (Daves is FULL of seeds) got wedged in between my teeth. I got it out... along with half my back tooth. My EVEN IF season was in full swing. I mean... we had been praying about tires and God provided them (thanks to Grandpa Jay and Grandma Diane). That was a HUGE answer to prayer. Zach had an umpire check come in just in time so we didn't overdraw our bank account. Another HUGE answer to prayer. So I was praising and trusting and on the upswing of trusting God for the other major requests we had. And then.
So often my faith life is interrupted with a "AND THEN" moment. And then.. another unexpected bill. And then... someone goes to the emergency room. And then... a broken tooth. Do I continue in faith, trusting that it is no surprise to God? Do I react in faith, believing that if He allowed it to happen that He's already made provision for it? Well, I wish I could say yes of course. That in that broken tooth moment I reacted by calmly saying to my kids watching me in horror .."its ok. God's got this. He's not going to let me be toothless. He's already made a provision for this unexpected dental emergency and we are all going to be ok". I WISH that is what happened. What happened instead was a frantic call to my husband at work (who is currently the ONLY maintenance man for three properties which means he's is literally on call 24/7) and pretty much just told him that I was done with being here, making sacrifices, and then went on (because I rarely stop halfway) and basically just let him have it. All the while I'm hyperventilating, sobbing, and literally panicking about how we're not going to be able to pay to have my tooth fixed and we have all these bills we can't pay and and and and ...... yah. Not exactly faith filled. Not exactly, God I will praise You EVEN IF..... yeah. Not at all. You see, for me it is easier to trust God for the things that relate to our WHOLE family or to one of them. It is not that difficult to see my daughter heading to college and fully trusting and believing God to meet all of her needs in that area. Or for our provision... I know God won't let my kids go hungry. I know that God honors my husband for his hard work, for his steadfastness in preaching the Word, in loving people. I mean I really do! I know that God is never going to fail US... but it is the part about God never failing ME that I struggle with. It's in these "Even If" opportunities that our faith is revealed and the level of our depth with Jesus comes out into the open. I'm obviously pretty shallow. Because in MY EVEN IF moments, I remember every failing. Every time I've failed Jesus or my family, and I look down at the waves and sink in the turmoil of past regret and the fear that while I know He will provide for them... I lose sight of the love He has for ME. It is easy for me to see why people love my husband. He's easy to love! He's sweet, loving, kind, generous, faithful, loyal... I've actually never met anyone who DIDN'T like him. He is just one of those amazing guys that is gifted with people. My kids? They are so amazing. They are kind, loving, talented, fun, I mean... really. It's easy to see why people love them.
I'm a hard person to love. I realized that a LONG time ago. I require A LOT. And because of insecurity and fear, I demand a lot of assurances. I'm opinionated, I'm not afraid to argue, and I have a hard time admitting when I'm wrong. I am NOT a people person. I've learned to be outgoing because I HAD to be, but I'm actually very introverted and being with people takes a lot of energy and effort for me. Not because I don't want to be with them, but because I'm just very aware that I'm HARD to be around and hard to love. So when it comes to trusting Jesus to meet MY needs like my tooth... its hard because I know that my reaction when it happened was NOT godly. I know that my thoughts and faithfulness WAVERED. I told my friend last night via text that it felt like my head was in a vice, getting squeezed tighter and tighter. As soon as I typed that out, I felt like even in that I was betraying the goodness that God has shown to me.
My "Even If" got tested. I'm feeling like it pretty much revealed my true nature and that essentially means that I have quite a ways to go in learning to trust that Jesus loves ME as much as anyone else. And that His provision is sufficient for ME as well for my family. It's so funny that as soon as I think I've achieved another level in the game of life, there is another level to go. Another place where God wants to work and move and be glorified. So I'm trying this again.
Even if... my tooth breaks.... I will trust that You are good God. That you love me enough to take care of it.
Even if...... I am unlovable, ... I will trust in Your unfailing love.
Even if.
