Monday, December 28, 2015

How I Prepare for New Year with God

How To Prepare for a New Year with God 

  1. Fortify with coffee. Lots of it. You just finished Christmas and you’re gonna need your strength. So pop in a Kcup (white chocolate macadamia is my all time fave) or brew a pot of Folgers. It doesn’t matter what you do just get hydrated. With coffee. Or tea. Or hot chocolate. 
  2. Spend some time in peace and quiet. This may mean you have to barricade yourself in the bathroom with all the water running. Trust me. Do this. It’s worth the higher water bill. Take some deep breaths, inhale deeply, (bonus points if you have some delicious air to breathe… a diffuser with Peace and Calming, or a BBW candle… whatever relaxes you) Exhale fully (you’d be shocked at how few mommas do this.Seriously. DEFLATE your lungs until they scream. It’s awesome and makes you appreciate oxygen) 
  3. Get cozy with your bible ( If it’s old school then cool… highlight and underline. If it’s on your iPad or phone, that’s cool… highlight and make notes) Concentrate on a small section of scripture and REALLY meditate on it. And yes. “Jesus wept” counts. Those two words from Scripture are FULL of meaning and depth. I focus on a  small portion and I usually write it down, and then ask the Lord to show me how it applies to my life. You’d be AMAZED at what He will reveal to you! 
  4. Make more coffee. Because by now you’ve had multiple notes slipped to you under the bathroom door, you’ve been texted a zillion times, and someone is yelling MOMMMMMM or HONNNNNEEEEYYYY at least 23968939 times. But hopefully you’ve gotten some time with Jesus and learned to actually breathe again. 
  5. Get your praise on. Crank some Hillsong, Jesus Culture, or … if you’re inclined…. Gaithers  ( I mean whatever worship music makes you cry or makes you laugh with joy or gets you fired up) Your kids may look at you like you are crazy. This is ok. They need to see PURE worship sometimes. For me, there have been times when I’m laid out on the floor sobbing. Other times I’m doing some sort of awkward warrior dance and others I’m just arms up, abandoned….. THIS IS OK FOR YOUR KIDS TO SEE. Too many worship teams are so polished and perfect we never get to see someone truly worshipping abandoned to God, surrendered. WORSHIP is a battle cry. I can’t tell you how many battles have been won while worshipping. Sometimes just playing the same song on the piano and singing until I felt a break spiritually… it’s awesome. God is going to give you a word. But you may have to battle for it. The enemy will hinder this at any cost. So GET. YOUR. PRAISE. ON. 
  6. Pray without ceasing. Pray at the grocery store. Pray in the bathroom. Pray while you’re cleaning. Pray while you’re rocking feverish babies. Pray pray pray. Surrender YOUR plans and expectations, don’t tell God your word and expect Him to bless it. ASK HIM FOR YOUR WORD and then EXPECT HIM TO FULFILL IT. If you are a New Years Eve person then either in the moments before the ball drops, or maybe in the aftermath… whatever works for you, let God know that you love Him. He knows but desires to hear it. Lay your life on the altar spiritually and ask Him to burn off the impurities and to refine you. Truly surrender to Him and ask Him to reveal to you His word and promises over you. Get your bible back out. Seek Him. It might take a long time. It might come immediately. But when you seek God, He is faithful to respond.  
  7. Don’t just seek Him once a year. As much as you can, make it a regular habit. I have a sweet momma friend that wakes up WAY early and seeks Him. Another stays up way late to spend time with Him. Mine are all teenagers so it’s easier for me to just shut my bedroom door, but I’m also a HUGE advocate for letting your kids see you worship, pray, and seek the Lord. He knows your heart. And He will speak to you whether you’re locked in a bathroom, laid out on the floor, or juggling babies. 

So. This is my method for seeking God for the New Year. It’s not cookie cutter or the RIGHT way. It’s just my way. Do what works for you. The most important thing is that you are seeking Him. 


Happy New Year! 

New Year's Planning and Prayer

A new year is almost here. The days between Christmas and New Years are very meaningful to me. It’s a season of deep reflection, of prayer, and seeking the Lord for HIs will for the upcoming year. Each year our family gathers with our best friends and we usher in the New Year with prayer. We play games and have lots of fun, but as the clock indicates the ending of one year and the beginning of another, we gather and pray over one another. Another dimension to our family New Year traditions is that we pray for a Word from the Lord that we essentially set as our motto for the year. Sometimes we each have an individual Word, sometimes it is for the family. Sometimes it is one word, and others it’s a scripture or a phrase. One year I received the word BRAVE. That year my oldest daughter went to college. There were many opportunities for the Lord to teach me what it means to be brave. It was the year that the spirit of fear that had dominated my life was broken and I was able to enter more fully in to what God has called me to. It was awesome. Last year, JOY was my personal word. For a few years I’ve battled depression, anger, and negativity. The Lord promised JOY to me for this year and it has been one of the years of greatest sorrow in my life, largely due in part to the fire but also because of family dynamics. There were times that it was hard to see how or why the Lord gave me that word. However, He has shown me gently that HIS JOY can be found in the midst of any circumstance. Joy is found in His Presence. He has graciously shown me opportunity to recognize His Presence and be JOYFUL no matter what is going on around me. It’s been a battle at times, but I will continue to battle so that I can enjoy the fullness of His promise of Joy. Zach received a Word for our family and that was FULFILLMENT. In this year God has revealed that to us in so many ways. In March we were asked to consider coming back to our hometown to pastor the church that our friends the McQueens started. It is the church my husband was baptized in, and one that we served as youth pastors at for four years before moving to Redwood Valley. To return as senior pastors was  huge part of FULFILLMENT. Zach also was licensed as an Assemblies of God minister this year which has been a HUGE fulfillment after serving in full time ministry for over 20 years. Then the fire. And yet even in that God has fulfilled our dreams as He has restored everything, even better than it was before. That doesn’t take the pain out of the experience, but it so perfectly reveals God’s faithfulness that we are amazed. 
   So for the past three days I have been seeking God, asking Him to reveal His Word over us for this upcoming season. Asking Him how we can best honor Him with our ministry, our family, our marriage, finances, and lives. I’m excited for Wednesday when our friends come and we will have Christmas together and then Thursday there will be toffee crisps made, lots of yummy food eaten, but most important, there will be the Presence of God. Brave, Joy, Fulfillment, …… I’m excited to see what He has for me , for us, and for our community in 2016. 
    Several have asked me how I personally do this so I’m going to share that in the next post. 


Thursday, December 24, 2015

Christmas Future (Part 3 of the Christmas Conversations Series)

Christmas Future. 

I used to dream and envision what my christmases would look like. 

A cozy family reading the Christmas Story by the fire. 
A warm and inviting Silent Night. 
Awakening to the scents of the Day… the crackle of wrapping paper being torn off, fresh coffee brewing, some scrumptious concoction baking in the oven. 
Cherub children, matching pajamas, gratefully receiving all there is that we’ve been able to give. 
A home, comfortable, and filled with the idealogical comforts that contribute to the idealogical Christmas: plenty of counter space, deep sinks for rinsing all the baking trays. Beds made perfectly for dreaming of sugarplums. 

The reality is not quite that picture though. Over the years it’s been any combination of those. But never quite the whole enchilada. And I’m so grateful for that aspect. 

I recently posted that disappointment and joy are not exclusive to one another, but rather, can be experienced simultaneously. I’ve found contentment to be similar. I still dream of Christmas Future. Of grown up kids coming home, of grandkids, and whatever God chooses to bless us with. But I’ve come to realize that I may dream, but whatever reality the Lord places us in is far better than my dreaming ability. It may not be the exact picture, but is often so much more. 

Christmas Future will be different than this one. Our teenagers all grow and change, and maybe there will be Christmases that they can’t or won’t come home. (That very thought strikes my heart and almost makes me cry even now). There may be new homes, smaller, bigger, older, newer. There may be leaner years, or more abundance. There may be some that are more holy and some that are more loud. 

This Christmas is spent in a new home, with new things, and many gifted things. It’s spent in the aftermath of rebuilding our lives, and the smell of ash, though not as strong, is still there. But the blackened hills are capped with snow, and it gives a majestic look to their barren landscapes. Our disappointments from this year are balanced with blessing, provision, fulfillment, and joy. 

Christmas Past has taught the foundation; the reason for this season. The holiness, the awe, the baby, manger, love and peace on earth. 
Christmas Present has taught the responsibility to love and share the joy of the Hope we have. Of containment and peace despite the churning earth. 
Christmas Future has taught the reality of the unknown. That disappointment will come, but so does joy. That the wildest dreams will never live up to the reality that God will create. The delight of a Father on Christmas, giving His children the greatest gift ever. The baby no longer, but a returning and fierce King. 

Tonight, as the mystery of this holy night settles around us like a blanket, surrounding us with promise
I will reflect on the past, on the present, and will look toward the future with great expectation and joy. 




Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Christmas Present (Part 2 of The Christmas Conversation Series)

There were twinkling lights illuminating the house with a soft warm glow. The echoes of laughter and carols hung in the air, and the home exuded Presence and Hope. 

That was then. 

Fragmented bits and pieces now wait to picked through, decided upon, and put together. The tree remains boxed, the lights are dim, and carols have yet to be sung. But then, that is the home now. 

Christmas Present is a new experience all around. Never having been huge on Christmas anyway has made it hard to get into the spirit of the season. 

Since September 12 we have been in survival mode. Desperately trying to stay positive, keep our eyes on focused on Hope, continue with the business of living and pastoring, parenting and doing marriage, manage the generosity of so many, all while trying to help heal our community, family, and our own hearts. We haven’t actually had a day off. On Zach’s day off from ministry we use our time to piece our lives back together, trying to fill our home and stay on top of bills, insurance inventories, and inhabit our home. We’ve had generous offers of homes and retreats, but have yet to take advantage of any because life is so demanding here and now. We will. Two weeks from now we will have the opportunity to get away for a day or two, and we are looking forward to that. Because survival mode is EXHAUSTING. Survival mode is a constant “treading water” and eventually, your legs tire, your head bobs under the waves, and it becomes too much effort for too long. Survival mode was not meant for sustained periods. 

My soul is worn out. Survival mode for me has just gone on too long. I’ve been hesitant to admit that. But it is the real truth. I haven’t been able to consider Christmas because it’s just taken too much energy to wake up every day. The thought of trying to string lights or organize ornaments or to do much more than remember to breathe has been too much. I believe that God is good. I believe that He has a plan and purpose for every pain. I believe that He is going to restore everything that has been lost and not just from fire. I believe that HE is my HOPE. But in survival mode, the tendency to become self focused is great. I realized it at a memorial service ironically. I was reflecting on my life on the way home, because I can only PRAY I leave a legacy as precious as this woman did. And that is when it hit me. I’ve been survival mode for too long. Decisions that should be easy have become monumental, chronic fatigue, tears leaking from my eyes at inopportune times, and basically, soul weariness, are all indicators that survival mode has reached its limit. And I’m sick of it. I’m sick of being tired, of being overwhelmed. I’m tired of being on edge, of remembering and worrying. I’m tired of feeling depleted and sick all because of trying to survive. So I am done with surviving. It’s time to LIVE again. 

So Christmas present is different than any other Christmas. Our kids have lost some of the magic of the season. There will be no waiting up for Santa. No more 4 am wake ups or finding them sound asleep under the tree. They are all teenagers now. But there are four things I’m praying for specifically for our family this Christmas. 
  1. That Jesus will be the focus of our praise, presents, and passion. 
  2. That we will choose to love one another well and with the same thought and energy that we put into loving others. 
  3. That Christmas this year will be a holy reminder of what God has delivered us from, a reflection on the Promises He has given, and praise for the purpose that He has called us to. 
  4. For peace. In our minds, in our souls, in our family, and in our relationships.The supernatural Peace that transcends the crowds, the rush, the parties, the glitz, and the pressure. That the Prince of Peace will permeate our lives in a new way this year. 

Christmas Present will be a reflection on Christmas Past. Not comparison, just reflection. It will hold the Promise of Christmas Future, because truly, the only HOPE that we have is not found in the Christmas tree hunts, the egg nog (lattes in my case), or the traffic downtown at the mall. It’s found In Jesus. The Prince of Peace, our Deliverer, our Sustainer, our King. My Joy. Emmanuel. 

For this Christmas Present, more than in any other that I remember, 


He is God  with us. 

Friday, November 27, 2015

Christmas Past (Part 1 of the Christmas Conversations Series)

Today is Black Friday. The official kickoff to the Christmas season. 
Today there are crowds, steals, and deals. I’m not braving the crowds today. Usually I decorate for Christmas today but I’m thinking I’ll wait until next week. In the meantime, I'll be starting a blog series on this season; reflections, hopes, faith, and family. This is Part 1. 


I stated yesterday in my Thanksgiving 2015 post that growing up overseas, my holidays were unconventional. In Japan, Christmas was not celebrated. In the Philippines it was, but it was overshadowed by Santo Nino. Unconventional by no means is bad or anything less than wonderful. My favorite Christmas memories are from those days. Japan may not have celebrated Christmas, but we sure did! My mom would make delectable dinners and treats, the house would be decorated beautifully with nativities and ornaments from their many travels and other countries that we’d lived in. A beautiful nativity from Portugal, ornaments from their first stint in the Philippines, but with all the international flair… there was plenty of our country too. Can you imagine having to buy Christmas gifts for 4 years ahead of time? Knowing my kids I can’t even begin to consider that! Crazy! Yet under the tree there was always exactly what I wanted. The best memory I have I think is my “Michelle” doll… she looked like a real baby. I carried and dressed and loved her for YEARS, until after one move, her soft body got mildew in transit. The year of the Cabbage Patch Kid craziness (only 80s kids will get this) my mom somehow miraculously got me one. A preemie, that I named Christa Nicole. (named after the daughters of a family friend that helped procure it). Then there was the Barbie Dream House. That one was a CRAZY one… because it was huge and although some ladies in Placerville (a Women’s Ministry group) generously gave it to my sister and I, my mom had to get it shipped and it made it to our destination! From those younger days to my older years, she always made it special. There were traditions too. The reading of the Christmas story. There was Christmas music playing, and in the midst of the craziness that the Christmas season brings to a ministry family, I remember those as my favorite times of year. It wasn’t until I became a mom that I better understood the sacrifice of those years.  The usual energy and effort was magnified exponentially by the distance factor, the time, and cultivating traditions that weren’t native to the land we were in. 
Now, while I appreciate and am grateful for the reason for the season, it isn’t my favorite holiday at all. The constant hustle and bustle, the clutter of Christmas, the packed parking lots, those aren’t my favorite things. But while it’s not my favorite season, i appreciate the true meaning behind it. Christmas originally was all about sacrifice. Christmas is the prelude to the cross. And while most may not consider the sacrificial aspect of Christmas, it was illustrated to me from birth in a beautiful way. And for that, I will always be grateful. 

Because of many circumstances, my side of the family isn’t close in the way I thought it may be. But that’s one of the wonderful things about memories. They are the gems that can be held onto, “pondered” if you will, and treasured forever. Whether the spirit of Christmas remains in your family, through a tradition, favorite dish, or in the laughter of family gathered, however it remains, the memories that occupy the space in our hearts, the Truth of the season, can never be dulled or voided. May the memory of Christmas past warm your heart this evening. And may the Truth of Christmas comfort the hurt. 


Thursday, November 26, 2015

Thanksgiving 2015

It wasn't what we were used to. It wasn't even what we wanted. But it happened anyway. One of the more frustrating aspects of loss is that while it would seem as though the world has stopped, the rest of the world doesn't cease its turning. Life goes on, whether we like it or not. Loss of loved ones doesn't cause the sun to stay down, even when it feels like it should. Losing an identity or place doesn't prevent sunrise either. New days keep on coming, and life demands an eventual return to living.
Thanksgiving has always been an oddity for me. As a child growing up overseas, sometimes it was unconventional. But ever since I've been married to Zach, it has been a constant marker in my life. Every year, without fail, at the Pyzer house on Yankee Valley Road, potatoes get mashed, turkey gets roasted, and pies are baked. And then, this year. After the Valley Fire swept through our town, it did more than cause loss of items. Time honored traditions have been forever altered too. For some reason, Thanksgiving found us at our rental home this year. The majority of Pyzers showed up and we spent our day eating, watching football, talking, and reminiscing. Was it easy? No. Was it precious? Yes.  Those walls of the Pyzer house where my husband and brothers in law grew up held so much more than people and things. They held memories and security. My inlaws are moving into their new home tomorrow. We'll make memories there too, but there will always be a place in my heart for that kitchen on Yankee Valley. Too hot, filled with good smells of delicious food, and raucous conversation (because there are like a hundred of us Pyzers), but in the new, as in the old, there will be the love of a family, faith, and the hope that future generations will know and love Jesus, each other, and the legacy that has been so skillfully crafted.
It won't be what we are used to. It won't even be what we wanted. But it will happen anyway, and we will face each new memory with gratitude and love.

What better way to fully comprehend gratitude than to cook, clean, and sit on, sleep in, and otherwise LIVE with the generosity of others on a daily basis. I am thankful for EACH and every family/friend/church that is represented whether it's towels, bedding, couches, mixing bowls, crockpots, or fun accents. Thanksgiving has become more meaningful than ever as our family gathers and says... THANK YOU. We are so grateful for God's blessing and provision, for those He has placed in our lives, and for the promises of His Word.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Home

The aroma of italian marinara and garlic bread wafting up the stairwell.

A beautiful antique buffet with a chalkboard that has "gratitude" etched on it, a sign above that says "Never Give Up" and then a smaller version of my birds on a wire that says "HOME" right under it.

A handmade quilt gifted from the Lake County Quilters Guild thrown over the borrowed couch.

The sounds of laughter and teenagers echoing throughout the house, punctuated by the occasional yip of our dogs.

These are my blessings counted.

A house becoming a home.

Provision, warmth, laughter... when I wondered once upon a time if I'd ever truly laugh again, or feel at home.

It's still not there. There are still the little parts of it that are not mine. Not our home. But it will come.

After all, it isn't the contents. It isn't the walls. It is the inhabitants that paint a house with "home". It's the memories etched from sliding down a stair, or the groove in the floor from that one time we hauled furniture across a floor. It's the leaky faucet that only we know how to tighten... just so... half twist to the left..

It's the floorboard that creaks and gives away a midnight snack raid upstairs.

Those memories will come.

This house will be home. And any others that God places us in.

14 years ago we became family. We celebrated last night the memory of that day.... and remembered the word spoken over us.... that we would be able to withstand.... the capacity to handle would ever be expanded. From that wedding night wreck that we miraculously survived... to the recent trial by fire.... one thing is certain.... home is wherever God puts us together.

Blessings counted. Gratitude, appreciation, and a thankful heart. These are what sustain me, and remind me of the God Who sees, knows, and loves well.



Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Family Update

It has been one month and 8 days since our lives changed. Since then we have lived in the homes of two different families, done two radio/print  interviews, and had church 5 times in two different locations.
We have wept, yelled, and been unusually quiet. We've argued, we've made up, we have constructed boundaries because our chaotic new reality requires it. We've registered with varying state agencies, and talked with countless insurance adjusters, we've worked on compiling a list of what we've lost, while mentally compiling a list of all we've gained.
We've been to the property and looked through ashes, we've tried to remember the details of the space that once held our lives, and we've been as positive and encouraging as we have been frustrated and depressed.
We've dealt with loss in varying degrees, first the obvious one, but then also the loss of a friend that is practically family.
We've been painfully transparent and authentic, and we've also withheld some things because, frankly, it's just too hard.
Through every detail God has been faithful toward us. He has provided well for us through the generosity of our friends, other churches, family, and through the generosity of strangers. He has graciously granted us not just the practical needs our family has, but also the desires of our hearts.
Through a connection of a board member of our church, we have been able to procure a house within our community of Hidden Valley Lake. We have yet to see the home, but because rentals are at such a  premium with essentially almost 2000 families needing to establish new residences, we felt it was God's provision for our family. Every time I (LeAnne) am in the community for meetings, I run into people at the grocery store or coffee shop who have either lost everything or are dealing with the after effects of the fire. Each time I've had the opportunity to pray with them, hug them, and just listen. This solidifies our knowledge that our family as a whole needs to be in the community full time.
Our family was designed for ministry from the beginning, and each of us has a unique gift or personality that we bring to the table, and so we are eager to get back and get busy. While Zach has been working from the office of a board member there, the rest of us have been struggling to reintegrate. Having a home will aid in this, and when the sweet landlady asked if I needed to see the house, I replied, "Ma'am, I am homeless. What the interior looks like really doesn't make a difference to me." And that is very true. I've lived on three continents, four countries, and I know that it isn't the walls that make a home, it is the essence of the people living there. Already God has provided all of our linens, our master bedroom bedding, and some other things that I wanted that will help make it homey and inviting. I'm trusting Him for the rest, including the furniture. (I'm being VERY intentional about this part. In other words, I'm choosing pieces that will last, are economical, and best fit our family. We had insurance and so have the means to choose this part of the process, which, when you literally have NO control over anything else, is important to us.)
This is a temporary housing solution until we determine what, if anything, is next for us as far as Zach's parents are concerned.  We've been in daily communication with them regarding our decisions and they've been nothing but supportive, encouraging, and gracious through the process.
Our church has been meeting at the local elementary school and this location will suit our needs for the foreseeable future as we pursue rebuilding our church and provide ongoing support and assistance for our community through the long process of healing and recovery.
While we are eager to move back (hopefully on November 1st), I have to say that our haven of provision here will be missed. David, Tamah, and Abby McQueen have provided us with an environment that has fostered our healing and recovery. Their home is peaceful and the Presence of God is welcomed and an environment of worship and prayer and the Holy Spirit fostered well here. This has been an integral part of our personal recovery and healing on numerous levels. People ask how we can minister and move forward .... well... it is because of them and their graciousness toward our family.
One thing among many that this experience has taught us is that God has gifted us with incredible friendships. The kind that are sustained no matter the space of distance or time, friends that will mourn with us, laugh with us, and help hold us up when we are weary. Authentic relationships where we can be angry when we feel angry, sad when we feel sad, and joyful even when it might not make sense to  rejoice. Friends who are "boots on the ground", providing for us practically through housing and a registry where we can receive items that we want, and also spiritually as they encourage, pray, and intercede for and with us. These treasures cannot be stolen by fire.
We are continually amazed at the way God has brought us through what could be the most devastating experience of our lives, and caused us to realize His goodness and His love for us. Where some might say, "Where was God?" we can say honestly that He was and is with us every moment. Sometimes, the greatest blessing is not in what He may have prevented, but in what He allows. Truthfully that perspective is not easy, it is a continual choice that we make daily to trade in our human eyes for supernatural spectacles. To trust that in the midst of chaos and brokenness, that there is goodness and mercy and a brilliant future. What a mighty God we serve.
This experience is humbling, hard, exhilarating and we are expectant for what God is going to continue to in and through us as we continue on this journey together.  One thing is for certain. Living for God is the least boring lifestyle you can ever embark upon.
Thank you for your continued prayers, your support, and your patience as we continue to seek the Lord in all the areas of our lives.
Taken from the Pyzer home, through what was once the front door. 


New rental home 




Thursday, October 8, 2015

Ashes and Mourning, Gold and Gladness.

    The day wore on and I felt my chest tightening. Within a few moments, for no explicable reason, the panic clutched my chest and throat in a vise-like grip. People swarmed in my vision and their conversation dulled to a silent roar. I couldn't breathe. Trying not to make a scene, I stood up rather abruptly, slipped out the door, and walked to the edge of the driveway, willing air to expand my lungs. I began walking, about a 1/4 mile down the road. I sat down on a rock, and willed my pounding heart to cease it's thudding. I inhaled through my nose, deep diaphragm breathing. I exhaled deeply. Slowing my pulse, slowing my mind. I began repeating the only Name that calms me. Jesus. Jesus. Help me. Jesus.

It's not the first time I've had a panic attack since September 12th. It probably won't be the last.

   She looked at me with her brow furrowed, concern wrinkled her forehead. She quickly lowered her gaze as she concentrated on filling out the paperwork in front her. Conviction gripped my spirit for the curt way I had spoken to her. She was only trying to help. I couldn't understand why her well intentioned suggestion grated on me so. But it did. And I snapped back the sarcastic response so quickly I imagined her head ducked a little to dodge my words. I wasn't hateful, but I was on edge and rude.

It's not the first time I've had a moment of inexplicable anger since September 12th. It probably won't be the last.


The acrid scent of burnt rubber, trees, and plastic filled my nostrils. Ash drifted down on my head like snow. But, unlike snow, it wasn't clean.  It was filthy. The remnants of precious pictures, belongings, blankets, books, and memories reduced to rubble and wafting on the wind. Hot tears spilled out and down my cheeks. They started as silent witnesses to the devastation, and became gut wrenching and heart stopping sobs that seemed to well up from the very depths of my soul. I began to become more aware of the term "sackcloth and ashes" is so appropriate for mourning. I wish we could still do it and not be consigned to a mental asylum. The ancients... they knew how to mourn well.

It's not the first time I've had a moment of gut twisting sobs since September 12th. It probably won't be the last.


Broken spirits are an odd thing. One moment they seem whole and repaired. The next, shattered again. One moment, praise bubbles out of the depths, pure and unadulterated, the next, grief pours out and the wail of devastation erupts like Pompeii of old. Pouring out in angry streams, salty rivers of tears, and painful questions.

The thing is, if you read my Facebook posts, you may or may not know how I'm doing. It's one thing to post a praise in the midst of a "whole" moment in this process. It's another to restrain from posting the anguish and guilt one feels when they are mourning STUFF when the PC thing to do is to say, "It's just stuff. It can be replaced." Which is TRUE and RIGHT. People can't be replaced, of course not. Of course we are grateful for each other and for the fact we are alive. But that stuff was OUR stuff. The things we are mourning aren't the replaceable items. They are the items that are the memory markers. The tools held by a father in the early 1900's that built the legacy of our family. They are the stuffed animals that comforted in the midst of a turbulent season of night terrors. They are the memorabilia that jogged our memories of era's long gone. Family bibles with statistics written in shaky penmanship. Quilts pieced together with prayers for those that the material would warm. Its the jewelry box, lovingly hewn by hand, that held the priceless rings that are worth little in gold, but are worth much in the memories of the  heart. It is that "stuff" that we mourn. The tangible building blocks of  family. Hand cut, each nail a prayer, every plank a stalwart binding together of our spirits.
The foundation was one that has stood the test of time and age. The house that Love built. THAT is the stuff of mourning.
    More days than not, I am ok. My "Hidden Valley Homeless" quips are beginning to wear on those that have heard them a thousand times now. Most of the time, I am quieted from my anger by the sheer measure of joy that is in this house, this temporary oasis in our desert of wandering. The tears, while they may still creep out from under my eyelids, mostly come late at night as I think about the unknowns, or the little things that once made our house a home. There is a stillness and calm that settles, that can be confused for numbness, but is really just a supernatural trust that God has us held. But please don't think that because I choose to praise Him, that I post Blessed Be The Name of the Lord, that there aren't moments of questioning Him and pleading with Him to let this season pass quickly. You see, trust and mourning are not exclusive. One can still trust in the goodness of God while mourning what He has allowed to be taken. In fact, one could argue that authentic trust in God and in His goodness is especially authentic in the face of loss.
    Since authenticity is at the core of my heart's desire for every relationship I have, including with those that may read this, here is an authentic personal truth. I am in mourning. But in the midst of the ashes, in the desolation and destruction that surrounds everything I once found secure and safe, I now know this. God truly IS good... ALL THE TIME. In seasons of gladness... HE IS GOOD. In seasons of abundance..... HE IS GOOD. In seasons of darkness..... HE IS GOOD. In the fire....HE IS GOOD. And in the mourning.... HE IS GOOD. I think sometimes we expect Him to REMOVE our ashes in order for the beauty He promises to be revealed. I think sometimes He expects us to remove OUR expectation and allow Him to reveal the beauty that can be found in the midst of ashes... just as those Samaritans Purse volunteers found my husbands class ring... sifting, searching, finding... the pure gold remains. The crown of thorns ring that emerged, charred yes, but able to be cleaned and restored.
 It shines brilliantly from the ashes.... and so... even though I'm still journeying..... I choose to praise and believe that I will emerge the same... a glistening and golden reminder of the God who is good .... All. The. Time.

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Valley Fire

The lights blazed onto the field, illuminating the hopes and dreams of the team. The crowd laughed and ate burgers, shared in the festivity of the evening, and cheered with every hometown play. The announcer boomed the score, highlighting the hometown heroes. The game ended and the air cooled, the sweaters came out, and everyone went home, reveling in the warmth that only small town communities can provide. There was not an inkling that within 24 hours our small community would be forever changed. 
Morning came far too early for us that day. I was leading worship for our section in Ukiah that morning. I rushed through my routine, scattering clothes and makeup all across my bathroom and bedroom. I hollered the list of chores I expected to be completed over my shoulder to the kids as I stumbled up the stairs, one heel on and one still in my hand. A quick goodbye to my in laws with whom we lived, and I collapsed into the front seat of our car, grateful to be on my way. 
We stopped by the church to pick up the keyboard and my portable sound system, a mic, and a cord. It meant putting the back seat down and maneuvering the keyboard in, wedging it against the passenger front seat, and we were off for the hour long drive. 
I’d wrestled with the worship set list that day. I wasn’t feeling it, and I tried a few variables, but I couldn’t shake the songs I felt the Lord had put on my heart. The event began, and I led Even So Come, Lord I Need You, and then Let It Rain. The missionaries spoke, and hearts were stirred. During lunch, Zach and I had to meet with our section presbyter and the presbytery board as we were undergoing the oral interview required for Zach to be a Licensed Minister with the Assemblies of God. Since he’s been in full time ministry in our area for over 20 years, and I have been for almost 15, it was a relaxed interview, filled with reminiscing and a few poignant testimonies of how God has sustained us through the rough points in our ministry. 
We left encouraged and excited. I had talked Zach into going to Santa Rosa to go on a date. We used to have weekly date nights, but hadn’t held to them since we moved to become pastors In Hidden Valley in May. 
After a relaxed dinner at Red Lobster, we toyed with the idea of going see a movie, but I wasn’t feeling too great, and so we decided to head home. We were just leaving Santa Rosa when I noticed a large plume of smoke, and after getting on Facebook, I found out that there was a small fire on Cobb Mountain. After living in California for a significant portion of our lives, we are accustomed to fire season and also drought, and so we weren’t super concerned. However, by the time we drove over Mt. St. Helena and drove through Middletown, we realized that it was more serious as we could see the flames coming down the hill behind the high school. We determined that we should open our church as an evacuation site and so we headed there to open it up and get bottled water ready for whatever evacuees may show up. I decided that since we didn’t know how long Zach would be down there he should have his own vehicle so I had Moyra come by on her way home from work and pick me up. I got his truck and drove it down the church, and by then he greeted me and suggested that as a precaution, I should go back home and ask the kids and my inlaws to pack a bag. “Just in case.” I walked into the house, told my father in law what he had said and he began to set about getting his bag in the car. I told Moyra and Zachary to pack a bag and get the dog food ready to go, headed into my room, grabbed a bag, and attempted to figure out what of the clothes strewn across my room I should pack. Right then my phone rang. The tone of my husbands voice on the other end said everything. “Get out LeAnne! Get the kids, get my parents and GET OUT NOW It is COMING YOUR WAY!” I knew immediately we didn’t have much time, so I yelled at the top of my lungs, “WE GOTTA GO! LETS HEAD OUT!” and raced up the stairs. I got Moyra, Zachary, and our two dogs into our new to us vehicle, a gift from the kids grandparents, a freshly serviced Oldsmobile. I looked at Moyra, who had just gotten her drivers license  the month before and told her I loved her. My father in law asked me where we were going and I told him I had no idea. Our plan had been to go to our church, but I knew from what Zach said that wasn’t an option. I called him and asked and he said to go to the our friends, the McQueens in Kelseyville. I yelled the answer to my father in law, and bent down to Moyras window. “Get to the McQueens. I don’t care how or what you have to do to get there, but just get there. Zachary, you help her, keep the dogs, and I’ll see you there. God is with you.” I watched as she drove down the driveway. I looked back toward the garage where my father in law was trying to persuade my mother in law to get in the van, and I saw flames licking the hillside behind the house. I knew then that this was the real deal. I rushed back to help get my mother in law in the car. I ran toward my own car and found it hard to close the door because the wind was blowing like a whirlwind around me forcing the car door open. I gripped it with both hands, and slammed it shut. I started the car and raced down the driveway. I glanced in my rearview mirror but could only see a haze of smoke and an eery orange glow. My father in law pulled over because he needed to follow me, and we began what I would later call the drive from hell. 
We descended down Bowcher Lane onto the main road that leads to the highway. Huge chunks of ash and embers were falling from the sky. There was no one directing traffic or any fire personnel. We realized later that they were all still in Middletown and Cobb. There was no way for me to tell which direction was best. I could either go straight, or I could turn right and go into the gated community. I decided to go straight. Less than a few hundred feet that direction and I realized why cars were turning around. There was fire everywhere. I followed the lead of the other cars and hooked a U turn, and my father in law followed right behind me. We turned into the gates and began what what the longest 2 miles I have ever driven. It was traffic jam of epic proportion. Everywhere you looked there were flames, small spot fires being ignited by falling ash and embers, transformers blowing, and what felt like gale force winds. I watched as the hills above us burned, and across from us the fire raced like a dragon, consuming everything in its path. At this point, I switched from praying silently to praying out loud. I was confident that if we could just make it to the highway we would be fine. However, after an hour or so and finally reaching the highway, I realized that the journey had just begun. The field across from the community was blazing. It seemed as though everywhere I looked there was fire. There was one brave CHP officer directing traffic. There was only one direction to go and that was to the right. The hillsides on the either side blazed orange. And the traffic was at an almost standstill. After inching forward bit by bit I realized that all it would take was one ember or spark hitting the side of the road, and we would be caught in the middle of the firestorm. I had received several phone calls, and I had made a few as well, but I suddenly just felt like I needed to steady my spirit. I began to try to sing  a worship song. Of all the songs I could sing, I could only remember the lyrics to an old hymn. “tis so sweet to trust in Jesus.” I sang it quietly. I sang it loud. And then I called my parents and told them I loved them. I  called my best friend and calmly told her that I needed her to make sure she took care of my children and I gave the name of our insurance agent, and let her know I was making two other people aware of our wishes since I knew that our will had been left behind. I had just enough time to grab a few pairs of underwear for my husband, and a shirt and pair of leggings for myself. That was it. That was what I left with. No passport, no birth certificates, nothing. I called my former employer and explained quickly that I needed her to be a witness to my wishes, and then another family friend who also is an insurance broker so I knew he would get information quickly and be able to testify if necessary. Then I put in on Facebook so that it was in writing.Email and text were no longer working at this point, and I was unable to dial out. I began to pray, asking the Lord to forgive me, to make sure I was ready in case the worst happened. Which, with the fire literally everywhere I looked, didn’t seem too illogical. It was so hot that even with my AC cranked all the way, I could still feel the heat. By this time, the well of panic had been squelched and an inexplicable peace settled over me. I kept glancing in the rear view to make sure my father in law was behind me and he had stayed right on my bumper until about the town of Lower Lake where another car cut him off. 
Hours later, we finally pulled into our friends driveway. 

Some have been under the impression that we all had bags packed. While Zachary was able to bring a backpack, the rush to get out meant that even the bags we took were not well packed. In his, a pair of shorts, a pair of shoes, and that was about it. In Moyra’s, she grabbed her laptop bag. Mine held 3 pairs of underwear, a shirt, and leggings. No toothbrushes, makeup, deodorant, or medications. My inlaws still had a bag packed left from the Rocky Fire but my mother in law had removed all her clothing from it. They barely had time to grab her weekly medications that are necessary since her stroke last year. The glucose monitor, the blood pressure monitor, gone. 

Some have stated that the felt we overreacted. The pictures of our home, burned to the ground save for the brick exterior wall upstairs tell a different story. So too, the fact that a neighboring home had burned to the ground by 6:03 pm, and we were leaving our property after 5:45 pm

That day was the catalyst for a new era in our family.  Do we still trust God? Do we still declare that He is good? Do we attribute this to Him? Or do we acknowledge that what He allows, while not always understandable, is for a greater purpose than we can imagine? Daily, sometimes hourly and minute by minute, we make the choice. We CHOOSE to trust. We CHOOSE to praise. We CHOOSE to rejoice, not in our loss, but in the HOPE that we have because of WHO GOD IS.










By the next day we knew our church was gone. By Monday, we knew our home was gone. By Tuesday, we knew our lives would never be the same. 
From the ashes, we have found friendships that have sustained the flames. Family that is stronger than ever. Generosity, provision, and blessing from amazing people. We have found peace in the midst of the unknown, and we have found FAITH forged in fire that is more refined, more real, and more IRON STRONG than ever before. We've learned what it means to be "receivers", which is a relatively new and sometimes difficult thing. To understand that we need help means a new level of humility and a new level of gratitude. We believe that more than ever we have an opportunity and privilege to share the hope we have in Jesus. The peace that passes all understanding. And through it all...we declare that our God is good.